The Effects of Toxic Behaviour in the Household: Developing Adult ADD

By Umm Yusra

ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder, is characterised by the very word attention, or lack of. But the symptoms it produces can come across as the following:

 * Tardiness

 * Risky driving

 * Prioritizing/getting started, or finishing tasks

 * The severe inability to stay focused

 * Severe anxiety but it comes out as procrastination

I was going through my case studies from my small space running as a clinic where I practise Aafiyah Healing. There was such a paradigm between being in a highly toxic environment and showing ADD symptoms that I began to actually expect clients to say that they had the above symptoms after leaving toxic or being amidst high conflict relationships.

According to Dr Gabor Mate he explains that ADD needs to be looked at through the lens of genetic, lifestyle, environmental and social background (Scattered Minds -The Origins & Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder) but that one of the main causes is that the safety a child feels in the womb, needs to continue outside of the womb after birth. So ADD in effect can start as early as the foetus stage if the mother’s emotions are felt directly by the child, it can hinder the pre frontal lobes of the brain. However, considering the brain continues to develop once the child physically enters the world, if the environment continues to be stressful, that is when the gene for ADD can then surface and show the symptoms.

So going back to my series of exploring the after effects of conflict and toxic in relationships, here are a few case studies where I found a link.

Case Study One

Two boys diagnosed with ADHD after their parents separate and the household is constantly in a state of conflict due to the stress of the mother being a single resident parent and the father counter parenting to undermine the mother.

Case Study Two

A mother who had a miscarriage whilst living with a toxic partner and after this, she constantly procrastinates her housework and caring for her other two children and has very little to no discipline with her food and driving, she zones out and can only stay focused when engaging in creative play.

Case Study Three

 A feel of burnout after leaving toxic, feeling exhausted with little to no motivation but the mind is constantly ‘busy.’

Case Study Four

A father after developing a good relationship with his daughter and fighting a highly toxic ex for seventeen years is finally in a good place, but he feels unable to concentrate, is constantly anxious and unable to eat or look after himself and has sporadic bursts of energy at inopportune times.

Adult ADD is different to child ADD because child ADD is easier to diagnose as teachers can normally see the symptoms in the child in a classroom setting; disruptiveness in an academic setting or a noticeable shortcoming in achievements that require focus for more than a few minutes. They can also come across impulsive in their speech so peer relationships can suffer. In adults however ADHD/ADD can be symptomatic of the aforementioned characteristics but it also manifests as job ranking issues, risky sexual behaviour due to impulsive actions, and constantly ‘seeking’ relationship stress.

It is no surprise therefore, that when couples come for joint sessions, and where they have both been in toxic childhoods or where one has been in a toxic childhood, the other finds the behaviour of that spouse extremely exhausting. A client of mine told me his wife left a trail of mess everywhere she went and had no respect for his work; she often disrupted his work from home days with absent mindedness. It caused much conflict until I recognised that her mental health was suffering due to a highly abusive childhood. We worked on the childhood; alcoholic father, co dependant mother had caused hyper independence in the client and when she finally married a stable and safe partner who loved her very much, her independence was no longer ‘needed’ and she needn’t stay in survival mode so why was she so absent minded and unable to focus on simple things? When she was finally medically diagnosed, it came back as ‘symptomatic of adult ADD.

Initially, her husband had thought she was simply ‘burnt out’ from studying in Ivy League colleges and having a great career coupled with motherhood. But it was much more than that. It was finally feeling safe enough to let the trauma surface; first of an abusive father, then a co dependent mother and finally, a husband who spent long days working and a demanding newborn all combined initiated the condition.

I recommended separate sessions for both, along with joint sessions. After the first few sessions, when I recognised her symptoms as possibly ADD/ADHD I asked that she get medically checked before therapy continues. I made her husband aware that she would need a good ten sessions and he would need support too. When the diagnosis came back as affirmative, both felt empowered to help themselves and their relationship. Good nutrition, slowing work down for the husband so he could more be a more hands on partner, and re-exploring love languages to allow the ADD partner to feel safe and stress free again helped bring down the impact of the condition. Both agreed that it would take longer without medication but were willing to try combining spiritual practices as a substitute. This indicates that adult ADD can occur but can also be managed with long term changes in the environment.

A lot of these are parallel to adult ADD. Someone can often, even post toxic and conflict, go through the motions of high moods where they have sporadic bursts of energy, and low moods, where they spiral into depression. They may struggle to focus or to form meaningful relationships until they heal from what hurt them to begin with. It is therefore important that a person who has been through conflict, take time out to process what happens. My client with adult ADD did state that had she recognised that was happening at home was not normal as a teen, she would have been better supported at school through their counselling system.

And that is another point; recognising that toxic is not normal is actually the first step to healing. The brain fog, the lack of attention/focus, the craving for stressful situations through impulsive behaviour is not a permanent condition unless you recognise it, and take active steps to change it. A point that Dr Gabor Maté raises quite validly, is that ADD is not a reason, and accountability of the condition and how to manage it lies with the adult. I highly recommend reading this book to assist you whether you feel you have this condition, or have a child or partner with this condition.

As usual, our doors as Aafiyah Practitioners are open to anyone who wants to change their life for the better.

Reference:

Maté, Dr Gabor. Scattered Minds; the Origins and Healings of Attention Deficit Disorder. Penguin Random House, 1999

Website: http;//www.nhs.uk/conditions/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd