Effects of Female Toxicity in Households

Recently whilst speaking to a fellow Psychologist, we touched upon the common ailments in households where female toxicity is present. These traits are but aren’t limited to:

•  Manipulation
•  Lying
•  Controlling behaviour
•  Coercive behaviour
•  Negative financial behaviours
•  Envy/jealousy
• Constant lack of support: dismissive of your needs and only supports you in return for something of benefit to her.
•  Resentment
• Constant negative communication (sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, micro aggressions, contempt, silent treatment).

The main one being stomach issues – IBS, Crohn’s, gastroenteritis, lactose intolerance, bloating, diarrhoea, heartburn and vomiting.

On looking through my case studies it became apparent that the most common ones were bloating and excess stomach weight issues in houses where a dominating and toxic mother in law were present.

Another was where the child had witnessed manipulation and controlling behaviours and IBS was present in children as young as 5. Stomach issues also were parallel with skin issues such as eczema and psoriasis.

In households where mothers were angry and overstimulated, I found children were most likely to suffer from constipation.

Where mothers relied heavily on daughters- as emotional crutches or extra caregivers for their children, where girls were forced to grow up and carry maternal tasks before their maturity allowed, PCOS, endometriosis and other female issues were present.

In houses with highly critical female authoritative figures such as mothers, aunts and older sisters, eating disorders, acne and hair loss were present. There was also a high chance of anaemia. Low iron in the body is the body’s inability to receive and give love.  

All of the aforementioned ailments indicate the following:

• Unable to digest a situation
• Knotted stomach due to high functioning anxiety
• The feminine power in a child or young teen being stepped on and taken away/suppressed.
• Loss of trust and love.
• Breathtaking hostility/antagonism within the home environment.

These are the physical ailments that we can witness, even if not always apparent to the naked eye. But what about the invisible illnesses?

• Anxiety
• Panic attacks
• Low self esteem
• Social awkwardness
• Brain fog/confusion
• Forgetfulness
• Attachment issues; these become apparent later in life when the child then grows up and finds a partner.
• Adopting toxic traits such as overexaggerating, manipulation, lying and gaslighting.

In almost all cases of female narcissistic partners, whether ex or present, there were issues arising in the husband such as:

• Erectile dysfunction/intimacy issues
• Inability to focus
• Pain in the abdomen/sexual organs and legs
• Symptoms of CPTSD/PTSD: inability to sleep, nightmares, stress, heart palpitations and panic attacks.
• Depression
• Suicidal thoughts/attempts

In the era of female empowerment, when trying to explain toxic traits in females to friends/family, it has never been more difficult. Recently, a client advised that whilst he understood that an absent father had created his wife’s hyper independence, it was almost toxic how she treated him because she felt she had ‘no need of him.’ 

‘In the daytime, I am spoken to like trash, literally. She shouts, screams, insults. At night, she is loving and sweet and it’s like Jekyll and Hyde. I cannot reconcile the two. Yet when I speak to family who have not witnessed how she treats me, they admire her for her independence and achievements. I am made to feel like I am the problem- the word misogynistic has been thrown at me a few times as if I’m threatened by my wife’s so called strong personality. I see nothing empowering about her behaviour because it brings me so much misery.’

This was from a client who felt he could not leave because of his children but the constant toxic behaviour of his wife led to a loss of libido.

What was devastating for him was that he initially touched base with me because of certain sicknesses present in his children- constant stomach issues, throat and earaches. He did not think that his wife’s behaviour was the issue, but by process of elimination, we realised that her aggressive behaviour was causing both children anxiety and the same in him as well.

I asked if his wife would be open to sessions and on having three sessions we identified a toxic mother and an absent toxic father. Toxic breeds toxic. 

The wife, through many difficult sessions, was able to become aware of her toxic behaviour. It did not go straight away, this is a lifetime of negative behaviour we are trying to adjust. But the children felt the shift straight away. Strep throat and skin issues reduced after two sessions. I did not need to work on the children as I was working on the cause.

Another dark downfall of toxic traits/behaviour- and not just limited to female toxicity- is the weakening of spiritual immunity. This will be explored in later articles.

If you are dealing with a narcissistic female and you feel that leaving the family home is not an option, I would strongly suggest therapy and resilience building tactics. Book in with a therapist who specialises in toxic/narc abuse.

If it’s toxic traits/behaviours and the person is open to therapy, you can book in sessions for them and yourself.

If you are fortunate enough to leave the toxic environment, therapy is still highly recommended for you to start your healing journey. Because a Muslim mother or maternal figure is granted a beautiful status in Islam, it can be hard to reconcile the two; someone whom Islam has blessed with a high status, and someone who abuses that status with toxic behaviour. 

One of the benefits of using a holistic healing modality such as Aafiyah Healing is that it gets to the root quickly, and with a good practitioner, you can learn healthy boundaries throughout your healing journey.

It is helpful to remember that there is a difference between toxic traits and abusive behaviour. Abusive behaviour is when certain behaviours over time consistently happen to cause harm to you and to control you- whether emotionally, physically, mentally or financially. This can be gradual and difficult to identify at first.

Toxic behaviour may not abuse you- they can be hurtful though and often a toxic trait is a result of something they have gone through or something you have done – this realisation comes with a degree of mature acceptance. In this case, the behaviour becomes reactive.

In both instances, therapy is essential.

I hope this article was useful and pray that any blocks and harmful behaviours in your households are removed by Allah’s will and that we as an Ummah can be better within ourselves and amongst each other. Ameen.