The Different Kind of Family Conflict and The Emotional Impact (Blended Families)

‘You make it look so easy.’

The observation came from a client who was in the process of introducing her children to her future husband.  The conflict was from her eldest daughter not agreeing to the marriage which caused much stress to the home environment.

I was caught off guard with the comment because I did not think -and never have done – that anything has come easy to me.  As a former divorcee with three very young children, marriage had been out of the question.  When Allah swt destined me to meet with my now husband, I was absolutely on a rollercoaster of the unknown.  Everyone warned me; why would a man want to marry a woman with three children? Etc etc.  However his interactions with my children were sincere and reassuring and now, six years later, we tend to swim collectively through the pool of situations that arise from having a blended family.

A blended family is the term given to a family consisting of a couple, the children they have from former marriage/s and the children they have together. 

It is true that it’s easier to settle when the children are younger.  However, no one can predict a divorce, the same way we cannot predict when a suitable spouse will come along.  Islamically, it was approved of in earlier days to settle soon after a divorce/death of spouse.  In respect of the time we live in now, we are living in an era of decreased God consciousness and so protection of ourselves and children and family life tends to be a priority.

Before settling down, take time to introduce your child/ren to your new partner.  Go at a pace that is comfortable for both parties; the partner and your children.  Validate your children in front of the partner and vice versa.  Pay attention to any red flags; do any children look uncomfortable around the partner?  Is there any hostility between them?

If your child is dead set against the partner as is the case of my client in my wellbeing practice, then it’s a good idea to ask them what it is that they are not happy with.  Now is the time to listen to your child as this will set the foundation for your new partner too; if they’re a new parent, they will watch and learn from you.  So be present for your children.

With my client, her daughter had started experiencing panic attacks and severe anxiety at the thought of her mum settling down.  I asked the client’s partner to send a letter to her outlining his intentions towards the family.  This was done and the client’s daughter felt appeased but still uneasy.  She said he had written, ‘nothing will change between you and your mum I won’t impinge on your time.’  The fact that he had called and visited during a movie night with mum made her see red flags and she felt lied to.  We worked on this but she thought this was a good enough reason to hold a grudge against him.

I thought she was fighting too hard for a minor mistake, but when I dug a bit deeper, she said she simply wasn’t comfortable with how fast her mum was moving with this other person and she needed to get used to him being a natural part of their life.  She said she couldn’t pretend he was her dad and the pressure from her maternal side was immense.  It was making her anxious.

Another thing she was struggling with was mum’s absence.  Even when mum was there, she wasn’t there.  Mum immediately became defensive; and I recognised that the daughter was struggling with two things; her mum’s socially demanding life and her lack of presence.  Trying to make mum understand this became an issue so instead I helped the daughter write a letter to her mum’s potential partner.  It was to put her worries in and also to ask him and mum to step back from the pressure and allow things to take their natural course.  A promise from daughter was that she wouldn’t be hostile or rude but to not expect smiles and hugs until she was OK being around him.

It wasn’t my job to force the daughter to see the good in the situation; that would come with time around this new person.  But here are a few things I have learnt in my own journey within my blended family.

DON'T TRY TOO HARD TO GAIN ACCEPTANCE

You cannot force your children to love this other person as you want them to and there’s a danger in doing that too.  When you work really hard, children feel the pressure and will rebel and also automatically resent the partner for the high expectation of acceptance.  They may feel forced to see you as the new mum or dad; this isn’t right if the child has a healthy relationship with the biological non resident parent.  Instead of trying to replace someone they already love, just focus on being a fair and good member of the family.  If you help in providing a safe space, are accessible for advice and help, this is enough for the time being.

DO SMALL THINGS THEY LIKE

My boy loves cars and so my husband would spend a handful of Sundays with him working on the car and showing him the ropes.  I did warn him that my boys were on the fence about having a male presence and so to take things slow, don’t expect acceptance straight away   .  That worked because it helped them trust him.  We started off with small things; homework, trips to mosque, reading together and bike riding.  It wasn’t an ideal family- their biological father reached out shortly to rebuild a relationship.  Watching my husband try facilitate contact between them was one of the best things I have trusted him to do as they learnt to trust him too.  Doing the small things led to bigger things.

DON'T OVERDO BEING NICE

Natural behaviour helps the child and partner build a lasting relationship.  If you behave differently around the partner, the child will see this and also put on a front.  Children will copy and paste modelled behaviour.  So be natural and let your partner see your flaws and the flaws within the family. Similarly, understand that your partner will see things with fresh eyes and want to change something he/she thinks doesn’t work.  Be open to their suggestions and set boundaries about what you are open to tolerate

DON'T TAKE THE CHILDREN'S  BEHAVIOUR PERSONALLY

Children will act up; it’s not about you.  You’re the new presence and you will feel awkward.  They may say things like, ‘my mum makes this food better,’ or ‘my dad used to do this.’  They are not comparing and the intention, if they’re young is rarely to make you feel bad.  Remember that they are young and cannot be lovey-dovey and accepting straight away.  Allow their shortcomings, the same way you would your own and remember that patience and boundaries create safe spaces.

RESPECT YOUR SPOUSE

Both biological and step parent/new partner need to respect each other in front of the children and naturally behind closed doors, otherwise the child will sense a gap in your relationship and will attempt to play you up against each other.  They will also disrespect your new partner and if that’s your intention, you need to question why you wanted to bring another person into the mess that is your home.  Disrespect has no space in a healthy family home.  If your children are older and they are openly disrespectful, this is wrong.  If you model speaking with respect, your children will also model that.  If they have an issue with an act of your partner, then if they’re old enough, allow both to hash it out.  This isn’t just with your partner but also a life skill.

DISCIPLINE IS NEVER EASY

This is something that should be discussed before marriage.  Violence and harsh behaviour has no place in my home and I told my husband it was a non-negotiable.  Having grown up with violence, he agreed.  However, discipline can be done via elimination of privileges and when my husband first put his foot down, he rushed to me as he said he felt guilty, my daughter was only 3.  I told him he had to stay consistent with discipline because she would sense weakness.  I had to trust him to follow through.  Soon, my boys sensed that my younger girl was his favourite and told me so and that she got away with hurting her middle brother.  I told him the boys would resent him and he shouldn’t be discriminatory or unjust.  Similarly, because I am the more strict parent, my husband left me to be bad cop a lot of the time which resulted in ‘head in the sand’ behaviour and made him feel undermined.  We soon found that family meetings meant we could praise the children, discipline them and guide them, whilst being consistent. 

GOOD COP/BAD COP

‘But mum says yes!’ was a common theme for conflict until my husband and I learnt to communicate better.  We both touched base to stay on the same wavelength.  It’s not perfect but it’s better than before.  Everything is a learning curve and this is where family meetings are so important.

UNDERSTANDING AND EMPATHY

Different boundaries are present in different homes; what is wrong for your spouse is ok with your ex and at their house.  My husband’s step daughter is used to junk food being readily available.  I tend to avoid it.  So, instead of stipulating a no junk policy, I give her the smallest sweet after good behaviour.  This kills two birds with one stone; it reflects positive reinforcement and also makes her feel like she gets a treat when she’s away from home.  Understand that your child’s world is split into two and they need you to empathise.  If they say ‘it’s not what I do at home,’ instead of dismissing it or getting offended, reword your response. ‘I know, and get how hard it might be.  I really appreciate you trying though.’  It gives you, your step child, your biological children and your partner space to find their place in the family home when you understand their situation.

FIGURE OUT THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE

Each child has a way they feel loved and appreciated and it can change with parents.  My daughter likes time with me, but positive affirmations from her step dad.  My boy likes time with his step dad but gifts and acts of service from me.  If you can figure out what your step child and even biological one likes doing most with you and getting from you, then you’re halfway to winning a space in their heart.

BE INCLUSIVE

Include your children and step children in event planning; whether it’s Eid, Ramadhan preps, or religious events.  It’s a tradition for the past 6 years that every New Years Eve, my husband and boys go to an overnight Naat & Dhikr event and they come back with full cups and happy faces. 

CELEBRATE MILESTONES AS A FAMILY

My boy turned his grades around and myself, ex and husband applauded him.  Each birthday, each achievement is relayed to both husband and biological father so the positive reinforcement and praise is multiplied.  This spreads joy and positivity and is a source of barakah in your home.  Here is a fact; your child couldn’t choose their parent, but you choose how much joy and happiness you spread in your home.  If your child witnesses you and your spouse arguing or using the children as crutches, you need to question your values and whether you’re abusing your position as a parent.

LISTEN AND WORK TOGETHER

Allah SWT has blessed us with two ears and one mouth.  Listen first then speak to your children.  Don’t interrupt.  If your step child feels a certain way, validate this and respond with tact.  Don’t use sarcasm or don’t put them down.  You may not love them as your own but don’t set yourself up for hate from them.  Work together for harmony and be the safe adult.  If you make a mistake, be human and say so.  I recently lost my temper and snapped.  Within seconds I was contrite and apologised to my children. ‘I’m sorry I shouldn’t have responded that way.  Can I try again?’

The next day, my husband told me my teenage son had said something offensive and then stopped himself.  He had turned to my husband and said, ‘I’m sorry, can I retract?’ My husband told me my boy’s emotional maturity often taught him stuff too.  It made me very grateful for the guidance I received from Allah SWT in being mindful of the way I speak and guide my children.  That very day, a gem came to me via a post on social media:

‘All of you are shepherds, and every one of you is responsible for his herd.  A leader is a shepherd, a man is the shepherd over his family and a woman is the shepherd over her husband’s house and his children.  So all of you are shepherds, and every one of you is responsible for his herd.’ Sahih Al Bukhari

BEFORE REACTING TO ANY SITUATION

Ask yourself if you’ve got the full story.  Have you reacted with anger and emotional charge or have you created space for you to respond with maturity? Have you understood your child, is your own cup depleted, are you tired and need a break?  It’s OK to say ‘can I take a breather?’ rather than shout and get angry.  Understand your child/stepchild will go through phases and you will get conflict during the hormonal transition to double digits.  They will test boundaries; especially with a step parent and if the non resident biological parent is always the ‘cooler’ parent that’s OK.  It’s not your job to be the best friend, but it is your role to create a safe space for your child to vent, apologise and learn. 

MAKE TIME FOR YOU PARTNER

If you’ve become a parent through marriage, then the best thing you can do is factor in time for each other.  Validation from a spouse fills their cup and helps them be better parents.  If they have concerns regarding a child, listen to them.  If they feel you won’t understand, give your input but also say ‘I understand it may not be helpful, but I’m in this with you.’  Parenting is tough alone and there are so many blessings in helping stitch a family together and raising strong and resilient Muslims. 

DON’T

• Use your step children as leverage against the non resident parent.  They will remember this
• Pay your trauma forward; heal before you come into the family system
• Be afraid to suggest family therapy
• Use them as an emotional crutch against the other parent; your grief is with the spouse not the child.
• Think you have authority just because your spouse shows you preference.  They are trying to show respect to you; don’t abuse it.

There are no hard and fast rules but beautiful intentions can change everything.  Before I remarried, I made a steadfast intention that Allah bless me to be able to facilitate good relations in the home and bring me someone who is safe and beneficial for my children.  I also remind my husband that he is an example of a Muslim role model to my children whenever I see a shortcoming.  He does the same with me and I (need to!) remind myself to have the grace to accept it!

“ Every righteous child who casts a look of mercy and affection upon his parents shall be granted, for every look of his, rewards equivalent to that of an accepted Hajj.” Prophet Mohammed, (peace and blessing be upon him).