The Different Kinds of Family Conflicts and The Emotional Impact (Recovering From Conflict)

So far, in this written series we have explored the different kinds of issues families face. Financial, physical, intimacy, infidelity, blended families and toxic family members have all been covered. People are quick to talk and argue about conflict, how often do people speak of the aftermath or the resolution or even the recovery?

Conflict within families, whatever the reason, causes stress. The impact isn’t seen straight away; I had a client who advised me that following redundancy, in his pursuit of a job he had been fine. Once he had found another job, his back had suddenly given way- he had suffered a perforated disc. He was also prone to headaches- which he had never suffered before. Doctors diagnosed a sedentary lifestyle and pain relief. Psychosomatics spoke differently- the client was no longer in a role he loved and so his life’s work had been taken away from him that he had literally broken his back for. The loss of job had been a massive strain on family and this had caused much aggro within the home- the back ache also signified lack of support, guilt, financial burden. 

The headache indicated a breach of boundaries and overthinking. When I ran this by the client he was shocked that his body gave me so many clues as to what was going on in his home.

It is important to understand that illness and di-sease does not always occur at the time of stress. It occurs in the process of recovery. It is the emotion manifesting in the body at some stage when the body is finally in resting phase where it is given time to process the events. The emotions are identified and find a home in the body. This is where therapy really helps- especially psychosomatic therapy or a healing modality such as Aafiyah Healing.

What is the aftermath of conflict within the home?

A recent client went through immense stress with her in laws and from having a healthy gut and weight, she found that she was bloated and in constant pain. She had numerous consultations via private treatment and all the expensive doctors could not assist. Her parents called me to treat her following an urgent race to the hospital where they were sure she was pregnant and losing her baby. What it turned out to be was severe constipation with blood in her stools and a UTI, plus shooting pains in her back. When I sat with her and went through the causes, she burst into tears and admitted that things had not been pleasant within the home the past year and whilst they were now peaceful a lot of what had happened often played on her mind causing her great grief. She was also anxious over a reoccurrence of the same event.

It made me realise that many of the arguments my partner and I have are rarely ‘fresh’ arguments. It is either something that happened months ago or it’s the same issue coming back because truly, we had not put it to bed. We simply tired of arguing and gave up and a few weeks later it’s the same. During this period, I would withdraw and he would refuse to engage. In hindsight, there is little resolution and recovery.

So here are some helpful tips on how to recover from conflict (a reminder to myself first and foremost):

•  Up your self-care. This means eating and sleeping well and taking time out for you.
•  Forgive. Once the highly emotionally charged period is over, make it a practice to forgive the person daily and anyone else who has hurt you, as difficult as it is.
•  Journal and ask what wisdom there was in the conflict.
•  Hold yourself accountable for any wrongdoing.
• If you find yourself struggling to reconnect or forgive, repeat the phrase, ‘I look at (their name) with forgiveness, patience and understanding. (Their name) heart is full of love, patience and understanding for me.’ Depending on the magnitude of the conflict, a few statements daily for a fortnight or if needed for longer will assist in changing your vibe towards the other person
• Look at new conflicts with fresh eyes. Don’t bring up the same issue – this just means nothing is resolved and you’re still angry.
•  If you sense negativity in the home environment, arrange a Quran Khatam, and have the adhaan recited in the home.

 Here are some of the common ailments linked to family conflicts:

•  Headaches
•  IBS
•  Sciatica
•  Chronic pain
•  Iron deficiency
•  Fibromyalgia
•  Arthritis

 Not forgetting the emotional/mental impact:

•  Forgetfulness
•  Absentmindedness
•  Mood swings
•  Feeling anxious and scared all the time
•  Loss of appetite/libido/sleep
•  Depression

Recently, during Ramadhan, I faced some family conflict. I found that fasting and worship helped massively as it helped remove a lot of my ‘ego/desires’ from the conflict. I was able to reflect, think clearly, stay calm, and this helped me speak out of wisdom and not a reactiveness. I did however struggle to sleep at night, which in turn exhausted me in the day. I also struggled focusing on simple tasks and so I would keep reciting aadhkars when my mind wandered in a place I didn’t want it to.

When you are in emotional or mental turmoil during or after conflict, it is good to sit with certain recitations. Allah SWT answers the servant who asks for relief. My comforting aadhkars are:

• HasbunAllahi wa ni’mal wakeel. ‘Allah is the best disposer of affairs.’
• La hawla walaa quwwata illah billah. ‘There is no power and no strength except with Allah’
• Allahumma ‘innee a’oozhu bika minal hammi walhazani, wal’ajzi walkasali, walbukhli waljubni, wa dhala’id-dayni wa ghalabatir-rijaal. ‘O Allah, I seek refuge in you from grief and sadness, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, from being overcome by debt and overpowered by men (i.e people in general). Reference Al Bukhari.
•  Reciting the 99 names of Allah.
•  Tasbih i Fatima (SubhanAllah, Alhamdullilah, AllahuAkbar x 33)

Look for the messages and wisdom after the conflict:

• A time to learn boundaries – physical, emotional and mental.
• A time to seek forgiveness from the person whom you may have hurt intentionally or unintentionally and to turn back to Allah SWT in repentance.
• A time when you learn to tighten your circle of concern and influence.
• A time to up your self-care and learn about yourself; we all have toxic traits and if a conflict makes you aware of it, then it is a great time to cleanse the inner self.

Seeking therapy via a faith aligned therapist or healing modality is always advisable. And remember that anger is not worth it- it is a poison you consume to punish yourself for others wrongdoings. It hurts only you and stops you from thinking straight. Some people, (guilty as charged!) have a tendency to hold onto grief and anger and this stubbornness interferes with living your life to the fullest. 

May Allah SWT bless us with peace and maturity towards conflicts and may we resolve any turbulence with love and mercy, using our Prophet’s manners as a guidance. Ameen.