Living with differences

By Umm Yusra 

During a friendly coffee date with a friend, the conversation became quite serious when she asked me, ‘You’ve been married twice, what would you have done differently?’

My brain immediately screamed, ‘Not married the first one!’ But I know, in retrospect, that the first marriage was absolutely needed for me to recognise where I needed the change. I had massive self-worth, people pleasing issues and the first marriage had been exactly what I needed to find my strength to recover from what had hurt me to begin with; childhood bullying, sexual abuse, and narcissism in the family.

The second marriage; we had both been recovering from the first and so came with twin mindsets and our guards sky high. The guards crumbled when we realised how much we hurt each other and ourselves; my ego was fighting to keep me safe by trying to find similarities between the first and the second.

But what happens when you start healing and recovering? Your goals and boundaries change. And that is where conflict heightens in a relationship where two people may still love each other and have all the qualities such as loyalty, trust, respect and love but not have the same direction in which they want to steer their relationship. It’s a tough one to navigate, hence why this final article will be the concluding one in the series of conflict in households and the impact on mental health Ideally, in the first stages of courting or getting to know each other it is always good to have healthy discussions around expectations and goals, and of course these can change but they shouldn’t change drastically. The main ones being career goals, family/child rearing goals and faith/spirituality goals and expectations. But we rarely, especially in the Asian community have the mindset that we can openly discuss these things. And when you’re married, you realise that goals and expectations change when you live together.

I had a couple who married in their early 20’s and had wanted to originally get onto the property ladder and build a property business then move overseas. The wife, coming from a traumatic childhood had stated she didn’t want children, which suited the husband because he also did not want this. However, once the wife started having therapy and healing from that childhood, she realised she did want children and the conflict started. The husband was comfortable and content with the two of them, the wife was not and wanted to complete their family unit. They both decided that if therapy didn’t help, they would go their own ways. On having separate therapy sessions, the husband had commitment issues on seeing his own mother stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of her children. Following four sessions separately, the couple then decided to make things work between them because the husband saw that history did not have to repeat itself. Did he want children after the sessions? Not quite, but he saw why he felt so strongly about it and so did his wife so they decided to make things work and see where this would take them.

What was needed? Understanding and support. Once the wife understood her husband’s reasons, she could see past her own wants and lower the expectation of him matching her every goal. For the husband healing from his own childhood was also needed so he could support his wife through navigating this chapter of their marriage rather than it being one sided. Patience was needed both sides and empathy too.

Here are some things that you can put into place when navigating different goals without it leading to irreversible conflict and break ups.

• Communicate: openly and honestly. Say why you want this and why it’s important to you.
• Understand: understand why you yourself want this and why it may not be a priority for your partner. We get so hung up on the other ‘getting it,’ that we forget that they may want us to understand too. Accept they don’t want the same and it’s ok to want different things.
• Look for where you’re the same. Tidy house, career goals, family goals, even schedules if they match can cause a sense of togetherness.
• Compromise: a my way or highway attitude is great in corporate negotiations but does not work in a marriage. Sacrifice and compromise are needed both sides for the other to feel appreciated and loved and for the scales to be even both sides. If one side feels like they’re doing all the leg work then this fuels resentment and helps neither party. In the case of my couple above, the husband didn’t write off having children and the wife was happy to wait to see how he felt after a year. 
• Balance: balancing your couple goals and individual goals is a beautiful way of keeping a marriage alive and interesting. It doesn’t mean there won’t be healthy mature arguments; the key to great communication is respect. You don’t need to agree with your spouse being a meat eater and he/she doesn’t need to celebrate your veganism, but you can enjoy a meal together and still have your own goals. Similarly, you can enjoy your marriage and still stay focused on attaining the goal that you know aligns with your beliefs.

•  Stay flexible: goals can change over time because, even in Islam, we are not told to stay mobile, we are encouraged to grow, in knowledge and spirituality. As this happens, career and family goals can change. Stay flexible with yourself and your partner.

•  Keep touching base: family meetings, mediation, therapy and one to one communication channels are brilliant at preserving a marriage at its low point.

• Stay respectful: don’t lose your integrity over disagreements. A client earnt my utmost respect when she said ‘it was real for me, and I stayed respectful. I could not bear losing that part of me just to score points.’ MashaAllah.

   

  When disagreements arise, it is healthy because it is a point of growth but shouting, screaming, and becoming verbally, financially or physically aggressive serves no one. It is not a power control or a winning move, being different is just your way and your partner’s way of growing. Every marriage needs to grow; from the honeymoon period, to the family period and to the growing older period. How you choose to grow is up to you.

  May Allah swt bless us with longevity in our relationships and keep us striving in His path always. Ameen.